Alright. Alright.

There are only so many curses you can throw out your mouth before you lose your voice. Only so many times you can repeat the same thought before the entire notion becomes numb to your mind. Plus obsessiveness is unhealthy. And now I'm writing about it.

I HATE being young and not knowing the ways of human nature. I love being young, it's just that the two tend to go together.

I hate girls. I love girls, but I hate relationships. I love relationships, I just hate relationships . People are amazing and wonderful and yadda yadda but at the same time one single person can possess all those qualities and then have one or two that completely overpower any positive aspects of themselves.

I have been in a shit load of relationships. I have casually dated, seriously dated, dated someone for all the wrong reasons, for all the right reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. I have womanized, I have been played, I have spent money, I have received the most thoughtful gifts. I've been gross, been romantic, and ultimately, I've been myself.

The thing is, I get bored easily. I don't mean that I tire of sleeping with the same girl over and over again or that my eye is constantly wandering. I mean girls who I find initially captivating and possess qualities that challenge me as well as inspire me soon fall flat on their asses. I don't know what to do.

The concept of being married is something I idealize and romanticize and is also something I find entirely fascinating and supremely exciting. The problem is living with someone. I understand sacrifice. I understand compromise. I understand that living with someone on a truly personal and what should be a profound level is also very dynamic and grows and changes much like a single person. At least, that's the way I fancy it to be. But... how?

I have ended most of my relationships and the few that I didn't I'm glad have ended. I'm not an insecure twat who cannot bear the thought of being single or not getting ass. I don't need to go club hopping or bar hopping or to look for one nighters. I find, deep down, I can complete myself.

But being in love, or having someone that you can enjoy being with for long stretches of time is something I'm interested in. Who isn't?

Call me old fashioned, but I can't drop the L-bomb casually. Or even semi-casually.

I'm frustrated with women because from my little treasure box of experience I've found that the level of compromise needed to live with someone who you admire aspects of batters down the level of happiness. The inverse correlation is obvious, but the exponential decrease of happiness relative to the increase in compromise staggers me.

And sure, I've often wondered that maybe it's me. Maybe there is something wrong with me that fails my ability to find happiness. But the truth of the matter is, there are many things in this world I will have to and have had to settle for. I refuse to let my future happiness be one of them.

What I want, - what I need, is very simple: An intelligent, passionate woman. Someone so beautiful on the inside that a passing glance would hold me down on the spot. Someone positive and adventurous. Exciting and spontaneous. Someone like me, and someone who is willing to compromise at the same level as I am. Someone level-headed and fun loving. Someone who can tolerate my phone-book worthy list of flaws. Someone who I am undeserving of, as to make me better myself to be worthy of them.

I guess what I'm trying to say, while I never look for relationships and they just spring up on me, I need a better filtering system. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm looking in all the wrong places.

I guess, I'm still very, very frustrated.

I hate my life. But I love it, too.